The dark is taking over his mood again. I never know if his dark brooding is meant to block me out, or if he feels so bad, that this is the only logical way to act.
They say that part of the process of recovery from love addiction is seeing your partner as he/she truly is. If I were to stop and observe what he does, what I could say is this. He does not seek out information for self study. He does not decide on one vocational goal and stick with it. His ideas seem to jump from one to the next, without predictability or logic. As far as I know he does not pray or meditate or try and get in touch with his higher power. He seems to really hate living in the United States.
What does this mean for me? What does it mean for us? I can’t fault him for wanting to have a job. Everyone wants to have a job. However, you can’t argue for Marx’s theory of work utility in his case because clearly he is unwilling to take any job that would be available, but rather insists that he wants a professional job. Who can blame him? Not me. He deserves a job where people treat each other with decency. But yet he seems to be unable or unwilling to do what he needs to do to achieve his desire: learn English. I have repeatedly suggested that he should not work, but rather dedicate himself to studying English. But his hatred of living in the United States seems to block this idea and he is overwhelmed with the fantasy of making a quick buck and moving back to Bolivia.
I don’t want to move back to Bolivia. There are pros and cons to anywhere you live. Sure, in Bolivia you can take naps everyday and no one seems to get too upset about work never getting done when it is supposed to be done. You can spend all day drinking with your friends and then stumble home and have a nurse come to your house and give you IV ativan when you wake up the next day with the worst hangover of your life. But I don’t want to live that way. I want to feel like my life matters, I want to be intellectually engaged, I want to keep learning for the rest of my life.
Maybe our desires and goals are incompatible. Certainly I can’t make him into someone he’s not just like he can’t make me someone I’m not. Nothing he could say or do would ever convince me that I want to spend my life drinking with my friends or even worse being home with a bunch of babies while he is out drinking with his friends. Does that make either one of us bad people? No, I don’t think it does. Does that mean we aren’t compatible? Only time will tell.
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